


Drunk On the Words We Leave Unspoken

by findmethestars (Atunenamedclara)



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, First Kiss, Implied Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan, Mid-Season
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-01
Packaged: 2018-09-14 00:01:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9148003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atunenamedclara/pseuds/findmethestars
Summary: “I never thought...I never thought I would be scared of death, Regina. When I was a kid, hell, even when I was older, my entire life was just meaningless. I mean sure, I had friends when I lived in Boston. Like the guy from the Chinese Takeout who gave me free dumplings on Thursday, and the woman downstairs who collected my mail when I forgot it. But if I had like, died, they wouldn’t miss me. Nobody would. So I wasn’t scared of dying. But...but now, now I-"Emma’s words broke down as she dissolved into a million tiny pieces, broken and hurting in the cold wind. Sobs shook her shoulders once more and this time she didn’t try to turn away as she clung desperately to Regina, who could only hold her and wait.- - - - - - - - - -Coming to terms with her foretold death, Emma has to face the truth; it might be too late to find the thing she really wants.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place sometime in s6, after Hook betrays Emma (once more for luck, eh)  
> I started writing this as some light comedy but um...I guess it took a turn. It always does, doesn't it?  
> Anyway, happy new year!

 “Life is not a competition Miss Swan” Regina observed idly one day, as the sun was setting low on the horizon and she had drunk one too many glasses of wine. The comment in question was directed at Emma as she tried (and failed) to beat Regina’s Tetris high score on an old gameboy they had unearthed.

“Maybe not, but death might be.” Emma shrugged, putting the game aside, her stupid lopsided grin doing things to Regina’s heart that she really didn’t want to think about right now thank you very much.

“How did you figure that one out?” Regina pursed her lips before sipping delicately from the glass.

Emma hummed under her breath, not willing to commit to an answer.

Regina let it drop, realising that Emma was in one of _those_ moods. The sort of mood that lead to her passing off her serious worries as jokes, and then refusing to discuss them further. These moods, when pushed, lead to Emma running off somewhere, usually catching a cold and possible concussion along the way if she was feeling particularly careless.

Emma stared off out of the window in silence, her mind drifting from one topic to the next, never staying too long on one concern because that would lead to her actually having to think about it and god knows she didn’t want to do that. Eventually she spoke again, her voice cutting across the otherwise silent room. “I meant...do you ever think about how many times we’ve both cheated death?” she waved her hands as if to demonstrate the point “If you’d had it your way, I would never have been born, no _don’t_ look like that Regina, I’m not blaming you.

“Anyway, so I was cheating death from the moment I was born. That’s kinda insane right? And like, if my parent’s had gotten their way, you would have been dead for _years_ now and I would be some sort of awful princess.”

 Emma shuddered and shook her head before continuing. “So like...I guess I mean, we’ve both cheated death so much it’s become a competition. Which one of us will finally lose? Y’no what I mean?”

Regina looked at the blonde woman curiously, trying to decipher what had brought this on, apart from the whole _oh-my-god-we’re-both-destined-to-die-really-soon_ thing, that is. Ok so maybe that was enough of a reason.

She moved closer to Emma, placing her wine glass on the table off to the side of the sofa as she did so. When Emma didn’t flinch at the contact, Regina rested her head carefully on Emma’s shoulder, knowing that whilst the woman would never admit it, sometimes she just needed to know that somebody was there for her.

Emma didn’t respond at first, her body stiff and uncertain. But when Regina didn’t move, she shrugged and curled up closer, letting the brunette run her finger’s idly through the tangled ends of her hair.

“Are you scared?” she whispered eventually, not willing to break the silence but not comfortable with leaving Emma to fight off the demons in her mind alone.

Emma didn’t answer at first, and Regina was beginning to think that maybe she hadn’t heard her, when she felt the blonde’s shoulder’s beginning to shake.

Immediately Regina shifted, allowing Emma to curl into her, hiding her face in the soft fabric of her sweater. Emma was silent, the only indication of her pain was the way she curled in tighter and tighter, desperately searching for something to hold onto, and the way she gasped for air as sobs caught in her throat and tears stained her cheeks. Regina rubbed her back softly, knowing that nothing would help at this point, words held no meaning and comforting _it will all be ok_ statements were empty and meaningless. And as she held Emma she couldn’t help but think about how wrong this all was.

It was wrong that she was the only person Emma could cling onto during the darkest hours of her life. It was wrong that after everything she had done, for her family, friends, and _boyfriend, (_ Regina’s brain gagged at the word) she was the only one there for her.

No. Emma should have been surrounded by people pushing to help her and fighting to find answers. She should have her phone ringing off the hook with people offering love and support and telling her that they would fight for her, exactly how she had fought for them time and time again. But instead she was sitting on Regina’s couch; Regina who fought against all odds to be something other than evil, Regina who should have hated her but instead found herself choking down all sorts of forbidden feelings which she couldn’t allow herself.

Regina should have been the last person Emma would turn to, but instead she was the _only_ person she could turn to. And whilst Regina should have been ecstatic, all she felt was a hurt deep within her for the lonely woman.

Emma pushed herself up, wiping her eyes on her shirtsleeve “I’m sorry” she choked out, pushing back more tears before standing up and walking to the door, letting it slam behind her, leaving nothing but silence echoing through the house.

\- - - - - - - - - -

Regina found her outside, leaning on a wall halfway down the road. Wordlessly she handed Emma her jacket and a flask of hot chocolate. She had been standing out there for about ten minutes now and the cold air was harsh, the wind vicious. Regina hadn’t wanted to intrude any sooner, knowing as she did that Emma needed both time and space to create some sort of calm in the shattered mess of her thoughts.

Emma took both the flask and the jacket wordlessly, not meeting Regina’s eyes as she nodded her thanks.

“Let’s walk?” Regina offered a hand to Emma and breathed a sigh of relief as she took it and they began to walk in the direction of the docks.

The cold air brushed their cheeks, reddening their faces and numbing their hands as they walked. Leaves danced in the air, occasionally falling to the ground below where they would wilt in puddles left over from recent rainfall.

“So...” Regina hummed as they rounded the final corner and the tall boat masts came into sight.

“So...?” Emma’s eyes shifted from place to place, not focusing anywhere in particular, especially not on the space in the docks where a large obnoxious pirate boat usually sat. But it hadn’t been there for about three weeks now and Regina didn’t like to pry but Emma hadn’t mentioned the Pirate’s name since the night she discovered his betrayal, and he hadn’t been seen since, either.

“So...will you tell me what’s on your mind?” she asked softly.

Emma stopped walking and leant against the railing, eyes scanning the grey water absently. Eventually she spoke, words tinged with hesitance and uncertainty as she shared the deepest parts of herself.

“I never thought...I never thought I would be scared of death, Regina. When I was a kid, hell, even when I was older, my entire life was just meaningless. I mean sure, I had friends when I lived in Boston. Like the guy from the Chinese Takeout who gave me free dumplings on Thursday, and the woman downstairs who collected my mail when I forgot it. But if I had like, died, they wouldn’t _miss me._ Nobody would. So I wasn’t scared of dying. But...but now, _now I-”_

Emma’s words broke down as she dissolved into a million tiny pieces, broken and hurting in the cold wind. Sobs shook her shoulders once more and this time she didn’t try to turn away as she clung desperately to Regina, who could only hold her and wait.

Emma controlled her sobs, barely, but she managed, and she turned back to the sea, not wanting to look anywhere but the grey waves, scared that if she faced the woman who remained her only tether to reality, she might never stop crying.

“Now” she continued, desperately willing Regina to understand “Now I have too much to lose Regina! I can’t just _die!_ I can’t do that to you! Or Henry! Or my parents! Everything I ever wanted is right HERE Regina and I’m going to lose it all because I’m going to DIE! I’m going to die _alone,_ and _in pain,_ and stripped of everything that ever made anyone notice me!”

Regina inhaled sharply. She _did_ understand. She understood more than anyone, maybe. She knew what it was like to never be good enough, to feel like the only thing that people cared about was your ability to _do,_ they never seemed to care about your personality or likes and dislikes, they only cared about what _you_ could do for _them._ She wrapped her arms around Emma from behind, letting the blond relax into her. Emma stopped gripping the railing quite so hard, and sucked in a shaky breath. Regina was here. Regina understood. Regina cared.

“I know Emma, I know.” She whispered from behind, letting her arms warm Emma who shook uncontrollably, either from cold or from fear, Regina wasn’t sure. “And I can’t tell you it will all be ok. Because I don’t know that. I don’t know what tomorrow holds for you, or even for me. I could tell you that we’ll come out stronger than ever, but that wouldn’t be honest of me. But what I can guarantee you Emma, what I will _always_ guarantee to you and to our son, is that you will never live another day feeling as if you are unloved. You will never feel like your death is meaningless, not for as long as I stand here next to you. I will not allow it.”

“But what...what if you...” Emma couldn’t voice the thought, it was too terrible to say aloud. But Regina understood anyway, like she always did.

“Then you will be strong Emma. For our son, for yourself. And even if I’m not there, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I have always, _always_ cared about you, from the moment I stopped hating you.

“From the moment you dived into that stupid Neverland sea and I thought you were _dead-”_ Regina’s voice cracked on the word but she continued, desperately needing Emma to understand what she was trying to say “I realised that I couldn’t just let that happen to you. I...I need you Emma. And you need me. Don’t you understand yet?!”

Emma nodded, eyes open wide with slowly dawning understanding. Slowly, so slowly, she turned around until her face was mere inches from Regina’s.  Breath danced on her lips, as she leaned forward and brushed them against Regina’s, chapped pink meeting striking red. It was a kiss full of promise and understanding, full of years spent wanting and waiting and desperately hoping. A kiss for the ages. It was full of unspoken promises and whispered desires.

They broke apart, faces flushing with sudden warmth, despite the frigid air.

Emma turned back to look out at the waves, bringing Regina with her this time. They stood in silence, neither of them willing to say what lay on their tongues. Saying it would make it real and neither could bear to do that, not when death hovered on both their doorsteps.

Regina leaned into Emma, unseeing eyes staring out into the distance. She thought about all the time they had wasted hating each other, and then all the time spent dancing around words they couldn’t quite form, and feelings they were too scared to admit to. And she thought about all the time they could have had in the future, lazy evenings and slow mornings spent in each other’s arms. Days that they would never be allowed to have, because fate couldn’t allow a Saviour and a Queen to be anything more than what their titles demanded of them.

Emma turned her head and watched Regina who was lost deep in thought. Her head was resting on Emma’s shoulder, strands of brunette hair dancing around her face. Her cheeks were flushed and the red of her lips was ever so slightly smudged in the left hand corner. And her eyes...her eyes had never looked more alive than they did in that moment. Deep brown danced with lighter amber flecks, the fading light bouncing off of them, making them shine in a way Emma had never seen, because she had never looked before now.

She sighed, knowing that if she didn’t break the silence now, it would never be broken. She didn’t want to spend what might be her final days skirting around questions they were too afraid to answer. But then, she didn’t want to spend her final days hurting Regina either. And she knew that it _would_ hurt.

If she died, Regina would be alone again, having lost one more person she dared to love. And she couldn’t do that to her. But god, she wanted to.

Finally, she spoke.

“I’ve spent every single one of my days here being unselfish Regina. I followed our son here to break a curse. I fell through a portal, I followed you to Neverland, I went to New York and then came back, all for you and for Henry. I took on the Darkness and I gave it up again. I haven’t thought of myself in almost four years. And now...now I want to drop it all and run away. With you and with Henry, the curse of the saviour be damned. The Evil Queen could stamp out this town like a cockroach and I could just say _fuck it all_ as long as I have you and Henry by my side.

“But I can’t do that. How can I take you into my arms, how can I hold you at night, how can I wake up next to you in the morning and know that it’s all temporary. That death is waiting just around the corner, for _both_ of us. I can’t lose you, and I can’t let you lose me. I want to. But...I just _can’t.”_

Emma’s voice trailed off as she looked at the sun set over cloudy waters with unseeing eyes.

Regina didn’t answer her.

The sun set and the moon shifted and darkness fell.

The water underneath them rose and fell, waves cresting to points only to crash down on the sodden wood.

And they stood there, watching the sun set and the mood rise on a future neither of them dared to believe they could have.

**Author's Note:**

> As always please feel free to leave feedback in the comments, I love hearing all your thoughts!


End file.
